A few things need to be said about incalls in the time of covid.

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A huge part of being as responsible as possible during this pandemic is limiting the number of people each party exponentially comes in contact with.  To that end (as well as other factors) my schedule is low volume.  "Low volume" (in my case one appointment per day at most) isn't just a marketing phrase overused until it no longer has any meaning but a real thing with actual repercussions, especially since on top of not being an $800 an hour escort I tour all the time, not a week or two here and there, and pay for incalls literally every day of every week of every month of every year.

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Despite that reality, many clients have classist ideas about the manner to which they are accustomed re incalls, so let me break down why these ideas are very often problematic.

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1) I'm paying for the room. Me.

(I really should be able to stop here since there's no "upscale" room that's $50 a day after tax - just look at my info and do the math)

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2) "Budget" more often than not means a whole $20 less than a full service "upscale" high rise. That "budget" property probably isn't even remotely as "budget" as you think. In fact as people's awareness of how the virus is transmitted grows, the demand for low rise rooms is growing. Much like how drive in movies are flourishing, it's the only part of the hospitality industry that is growing. Room rates will reflect that.

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3) That glamorous high rise hotel you envision? To get to that room you'd have to touch an entrance door, walk across a lobby, touch elevator buttons, and breathe the common air of staff and other guests and visitors inside that space. Once you get to the room there'd likely be a wall vent type air system possibly recirculating air from other rooms instead of a standalone unit (this is how the original SARS virus spread in Asia). The window in that high rise room will likely be welded shut if it even ever opened in the first place. As far as the "upscale"ness of the room? Those chairs and couches and mattresses and pillows will have been shedded and drooled on by just as many humans with just as many germs and dead skin cells as any "budget" room. In fact that high rise room is all but guaranteed to have wall to wall carpet just stewing in germs, whereas many "budget" rooms now have laminate flooring. It's precisely because of the greater cleanliness of low rise properties that some have been used to quarantine covid patients when hospitals are full.

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4) Your city? I don't live here. I drove here. And at some point in the same week I'll drive to a different city. There'll be hundreds of miles coming and going, literal hours of driving each and every week. If that were you and you had a massage table, cooler, clothes, personal linens, pets, pet food, toiletries, candles, electronics, etc, would you want to load and unload a luggage cart and roll up and down hallways and in and out of elevators coming and going once or twice a week every single week? Or open a door and toss your stuff in?

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5) You know what happens when you're required to give a bellman your luggage and that luggage includes a massage table? He asks "Wow, is this a massage table?" Then you spend the rest of the visit paranoid because you know he went right back downstairs and gossiped with the staff. That means they're looking at you coming to my door too. All eyes on the guy going to the room of the lady with the massage table.

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6) I recently tried to stay at one particular high rise and was greeted at the front door by a huge posterboard sign on a tripod that said all doors were locked and anyone entering would need a key and would also need to verbally communicate with the staff upon entry to verify they were a registered guest. Not being able to even get into the building for your appointment would be a pretty big obstacle to your appointment.

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7) I'll be occupying the room that I pay for for 22.5-23 hours longer than you will. I'll be the person needing to sleep there. I cannot sleep in a room that doesn't go down to the low 60s. I pretty much need icicles hanging off my nose to sleep. I keep the room warm all day so you'll never be cold during an appointment, but when nighttime comes the A/C needs to be turbocharged. That is not going to happen in a high rise hotel. I spent a night in one late last year and got literally no sleep. None. Not even for 10 minutes. That particular building shuts the A/C completely off during the winter, and that particular week it was unseasonably warm out. Good thing they had two comforters on the bed with around 6 inches of loft in them though, in case I got a chill at 75 degrees of still, uncirculating air. Hotels are hard enough to sleep in from the perspective of unfamiliar surroundings, light leakage, widely varying mattresses, unexpected calls, alarm clocks left set at 5 AM, and drunk bachelorettes. I can't also withstand the room being too hot. I need to rest, not only for me but to give you a great massage.

 

8) I've already stayed in those "upscale" hotels. For years. For literal YEARS I was not only a frequent guest but at such a high level that I had personal concierge status (think George Clooney in Up In The Air but with hotel status instead of air miles). And it isn't what it's cracked up to be. The worst part was that chains (one in particular) would give me a whole spiel upon every arrival about how IMPORTANT and VIP I was and how I was ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED a 4 PM check out NO QUESTION. Then on check out day (despite me having repeatedly begged the front desk and housekeeping to please not disturb during "do not disturb") without fail there would be a man on my table when at precisely 12:05 PM the housekeepers would start POUNDING on my door. Not a delicate "hello is everything ok in there" knock. Oh no. We're talking SWAT team "we're about to break this off the hinges" POUNDING. Imagine it. Imagine you're there on the table all vulnerable, butt cheeks in the air, smooth jazz and candles, you're just met me for the first time so we're gaining each other's trust and... BANG BANG BANG!!! Now imagine you're me and it happens literally hundreds of times.

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You know who doesn't pound on your door and give everyone involved an adrenaline spike and mini heart attack? Hotels that don't do daily housekeeping (I actually prefer to sanitize my own room thoroughly with products I buy myself, without maids coming in and out possibly bringing with them corona from other rooms).

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You know where you won't have to breathe recycled, possibly tainted, air? Low rise properties with direct access to outside and windows that open.

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The to the manor born mentality about hotels was wrongheaded and exhausting before coronavirus. Now it's genuinely infuriating.

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And no, I'm not going to stay in Airbnbs either when a significant number of them have been found to have hidden cameras installed by the owners (Google it before thinking you're having "private" rendezvous in them). If you can't look at where I stay from a practical and logistical and safety perspective but are hung up on status please don't contact me. I will never stay in a locally owned and/or unsafe hotel. I don't just roll into town and start walking into places asking for rooms like I time traveled from 1973. I'm a full time knowledgeable traveler who belongs to multiple points programs at a high level. Even if I stay in a budget hotel it will be 1) a national brand with a chain of accountability 2) in a great neighborhood and 3) have good reviews. Please don't nag me with "but is it safe", as that implies I might be the kind of person who'd tell you to come someplace unsafe, and that's insulting on so many levels that I'm going to take it very personally.

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